Apocalypse

If I could decide again, I would do everything exactly the same way. I would embarrass  myself in front of you and your friends all over again. Everyone in that hall knew I was being  silly when I grabbed your gaze with my fingernails as it swept across the walls around me.  How bored must you have been to start staring at me? In high heels and bright lipstick, I was  hiding in the corner of the gym. I’d tear my stomach apart with hope all over again if it meant  I could talk to you one more time. 

I was heading home late in the afternoon. As I walked down the street, I saw that the sky had  changed color. The blue was mixing with purple as if it were watercolor, and in the middle, a  golden patch had opened up. I felt light raindrops on my cheeks. The air smelled of concrete,  which tasted like last August and ice cream. I stopped and looked up at the sky once more.  

By then, I was already standing in front of the green fence of my house. The golden patch  began to spread. The sky cracked like a hard caramel candy.  

I tried to take a breath, but the air seemed to stop somewhere up in the clouds. I ran into the  house. I tried to compose myself before knocking on the door, which was still decorated with  a white-and-red Christmas reindeer ornament. I didn’t want to worry my parents. They’d  probably just think I was overreacting. I didn’t want to hear that.  

I pulled down the blinds in my room, and the room was in semi-darkness. I lay down on the  bed with my headphones on. What now? I fidgeted with the edge of the sheet between my  fingers. I knew I’d tell my friends about this tomorrow, but unlike most days, this didn’t seem  right. 

How was that supposed to help? The sky was falling apart, and pieces were falling onto the  heated concrete. I shared a room with my brothers. In the corner where the paint was peeling,  I spotted a new spiderweb from my bed. Silky strands hung from the ceiling like old jewelry  that my mom kept in a wooden box at the bottom of her closet. I hit the spider on the ceiling  with a magazine that was lying on my brother’s desk.  

When my tears dried, I felt their traces like a headache settling under my eyes. I blinked  slowly and saw a yellow light warmly lighting up the living room. It was somehow far from  my bed. To reach it, I had to get up and walk through a patch of darkness that looked like a  tunnel. Slow music echoed in my ears the whole way, and the darkness gently held my face.  The scene made me sick.  

You were dancing with a short brunette in the living room. I knew who she was, but I’d  always wondered if she’d ever thought of me. You didn’t take your eyes off hers, and your  hands were resting on her waist. In the corner of the room was a dark green couch, and the  walls looked golden in the yellow light. I looked at the door to your left, which was closed.  What was behind it? The kitchen, the bedroom? You both laughed and quietly began to sing  the song that was still playing on the radio. You took another step closer to her, and again  shades of dark blue blurred before my eyes. I thought I was going to throw up. I gasped for  air, and suddenly I was back in bed. I coughed heavily. It took me a few seconds to stop  choking on my tears and saliva. I sat down on the sheets. 

I shook my head and turned toward the windowsill. You were sitting there, I could hear you  breathing. Shadows of flowers and foliage danced across your face, swaying in the summer  breeze outside. The streetlights looked scarlet at this hour. I smiled to myself and stood up.  You were leaning against the window, narrowing your eyes as if you didn’t know what I was 

going to do next. I took a step toward you—the floors creaked—then I turned and walked out  of the room. I gently closed the door behind me. Through the crack in the door, a golden line  left a trail in the room like a brush on paper. I stepped outside. 

As I walked down the street, slow music was still playing somewhere in the background.  With every breath, the music box in my throat spun. The tip of the dancer’s raised leg at the  top touched my tongue. The only thing I tasted was the concrete in the air. 

In a few days, I’ll talk about this. And I won’t mention the music, the rain, or the pieces of  sky that fell into my backyard. I won’t even mention you. I’ll say it was all in my head. “He  has a girlfriend!” I’ll laugh, thinking how silly I was! But every evening the music will ring  out again, and the walls of my room will whisper: 

“Take me back there. Take me back there. Take me back there…” The next evening, I was  already whispering along with them. “Take me back there. Take me back there…” I’m back  in my room, I’m back in the yard, I’m back in the hall. My hands are shaking from  everything that slipped through my fingers. How bored must you have been to start staring at  me? “Take me back there. Take me back there.” I’d tear my stomach apart with hope all over  again if it meant I could talk to you one more time. The sky cracked like a hard caramel  candy. “Take me back there.” I’d tear my stomach, my hands, my throat open with hope all  over again if it meant I could go back to that hall.